pensive sundaes

memory is a funny thing, huh? i'm saying this cause today calvin and i went to see 'eternal sunshine of the spotless mind' - unbelievably good, by the way - which is, of course, all about memory.

if you could erase someone from your thoughts, would you? how much easier would life be if you could just blank out the memories and emotions associated with that person? how much of 'you' - your self, your spirit, the stuff that makes you who you are - would you lose along with it? if i could just erase psychojeremy from my memories, how would it change who i am? would i still be fucked up about relationships, but no longer have any frame of reference for understanding why? or would all my fears and insecurities disappear along with him? i'd no longer *have* any reason to be afraid to open up to people, would i?

but then, there are certain memories of times with jer that i'm not sure i'd want to get rid of. for over three years he was my best friend. in a lot of ways, he's the best friend i've ever had. mind you, he's also the *worst* friend i've ever had. but, for example, take the night we went car camping. it was very early spring - probably around this time of year, actually, which is still pretty cold, up there. no camp grounds were open, and i really wanted to go spend the night outside, in front of a fire. actually, what i really really wanted was to lie in my bed, curled up in a blanket or sleeping bag, looking at the stars and listen to loons. so jeremy came and picked me up in his pathfinder - the back seats were lying flat, and the back was filled with warm quilts and pillows. we drove out to a local lake, but it was all chained off for the winter season. he drove up and down the road trying to find a way to four wheel drive in, but the area was pretty much inaccessible. so we went back to his house, and he backed the truck as far as he could into his backyard, under the trees, and we lay in the back of his truck talking and looking at the stars through his sunroof. that's a memory i'd never want to lose.

it's a conundrum, huh? how far would you go to take away the hurt and sorrow of your past? would you want to do it at all?