what comes around goes around

(apologies in advance for the text-heavy post)

i'm a big believer in karma. i believe that, as you go through life dumping negativity into the shopping cart of personal interaction, sooner or later you are going to have to hit the checkout and sometimes sometimes when you hit the teller it's gonna be a little more expensive than you thought.

where's this drawn out poor excuse for a metaphor coming from? well clearly i'm still pissed about my sister. i did an upper arm strength yoga workout last night and so chilled a bit, but all things considered i'm irritated as fuck. a few months ago, i came to terms with the fact that i was going to build a life for myself here in vancouver. like - up until this point what i was doing was sort of an in-between thing. i didn't know where i was going, and didn't know what i wanted to do, but this thing here was only good for right now.

around june, i guess, something flipped in my head. i bought a raincoat (after four years in vancouver i finally bought a rainjacket). i started sorting through my stuff - stuff that's been gathering dust since i dumped it into storage. i started accepting the fact that maybe i should put down some roots and stop waiting for... whatever... to come along. this is it - this is life. grab happiness and run with it, no matter what form it takes.

why the change? no idea. maybe my meds really are working. maybe it was summer and i got lots of vitamin d. maybe it was just... time.

regardless - i started evaluating my relationships with my family. i started feeling like a bit of a second class citizen. the way my sister condescended to me all the time started to wear thin. the disparity in the way my folks treat my siblings and i started becoming obvious. so i started to check out.

i feel as though i've spent five (at least) years just accepting the treatment of others for fear of making them not like me. i've wanted so much to belong that it got to the point that my own hurt feelings or distress didn't matter anymore. and, what's more, in the midst of depression i wasn't entirely sure if it was just me - if i was making it all up in my head. now, though, i am fairly sure that it's not. the tone which my sister used with me yesterday was a perfect example. when i tried to talk to my mom about it later, she took the sister's side without even pausing to consider what i was saying.

at dinner last night i sat with my parents and wanted to say something. i wanted to say that i've been so insecure, that i've wanted so badly for people to just LIKE me, that i forgot what it meant to take care of myself - to like myself. now it feels as though i'm remembering. what i don't know is what the fallout will be - or if i even care anymore.