mardi, février 27

the same ol' decent lazy eye

i'm not sure if i am just burned out or if i have finally reached the end of my rope with my job. i've been here for 4.5 years and up until recently it used to be a joke (kind of) how things never changed, even though we always heard 'after we just do this one thing, everything will be different'. stuff's never different. you can move people to new positions that they have wanted for years but if you don't give them training to do their jobs and don't get anyone else to take over their old jobs, you are just keeping them in the same place with a new chair and a new title. it's like filling a faultline full of plaster - it might look like you've made a difference but two days later the crack's going to be open again.

here's something weird - i found myself thinking about boy australia all the way in to work this morning. does that ever happen to you? even though you are completely and utterly happy with your relationship, you find yourself caught up in nostalgia for someone else now and again?

ach this post is all over the place and i have no focus today. i'm frustrated with my job and myself. why am i incapable of just standing up and saying NO i will NOT take on these new responsibilities until you have someone else to take on my old ones? see the problem is that my colleagues here are just doing that, so if i don't keep on with my previous duties my poor boss (who's already overworked and trapped doing six other peoples' jobs) will just take them on and be stuck doing them, too. it's as though the management and my co-workers know this - know that i won't let her get into that position - so are counting on the fact that i'll just suck it up. i can't though - i just can't make myself care right now because everything that i've been promised has always been just so much lip service. the side effect of all of this is that i know feel as though i'm not capable of doing anything - i've lost faith in my abilities and have no real sense of what my skills are. my confidence levels are lost to inertia. i need some kind of career counselling, or something. i need to be exposed to an employer who is a good team leader, who supports their staff and offers training and encouragement. senior management here gives the impression that they are sitting back and waiting for you to screw up; waiting to be handed the excuse to lay you off. when they get it they do just that and, frankly, i'm not sure that wouldn't be a blessing at this point.

maybe that's why i am thinking about boy australia today - he packed everything up and moved to australia. he took his dream job and just... left. maybe subconsciously i'm trying to find inspiration in someone i knew only for a brief time because i have no mentor in my current life.