rainy saturdae part deux

today, i would like to go walking in the trees, preferably on the north shore. i need a boy to accompany me, and a rain coat, and a ball cap. also a warm sweater of some sort, and a cozy destination for soup/tea afterwards. i realize that this is not the best plan for getting over my awful summer cold (Body Snot Index is still high, hack factor off the map) but it's what i want to do today, thank you very much.

tomorrow i have to go to a baby shower. i have never been to a stag/stagette, a wedding shower, or a baby shower. even my own, by the way. so i'm breaking my perfect record. and this is for a colleague, not even someone i'm very close to. and why, you may ask? well because i was swept along in the tide. at my work, i am sort of the party organizer, the cake buyer, the candy bowl filler. i'm the chick who walks around in bunny ears at easter, who gives out candy hearts at valentine's, and who always, always dresses up if there is an opportunity. so it was mostly just *assumed* that i would be going, and so i became (with my cohort, my partner in crime) the girl getting the gift. no getting out of it now. damn.

in another window, i am having an interesting conversation with the divine stacylicious. see, i realized the other night (as i sat on the side of the road by the ferry terminal at about 3am) that i am now so used to not getting the things i want out of life that i have just stopped wanting anything. i am caught up in my own pattern. it's like a maze that just keeps coming back to the same center place. i keep thinking i'm trying a different path and end up at the same bench in the middle of the hedges. sl things i should just break through the walls, and make my own path. but my particular hedge is made up of blackberry bushes - entirely prickly, and every once in a while they bear something sweet - not very conducive to leaving them, you know? i talk lots about breaking free, but i'm still really afraid to leave my comfort zone. it's taken me a long time to rebuild my *own* place of security - it used to be so tied up in psychojeremy - that now i am really reluctant to leave it, you know?

i don't know. i have no answers - for myself or for anyone else. i am just putting one foot in front of the other, trying to get through my day. but i think that's half the problem, you know?