jeudi, juillet 29

warning - bit of a pity party about to occur

so i went to see a counsellor today. if you know me at all well, you know how absolutely out of character this is. i don't talk to people about my problems, or my feelings. i keep 'em inside.. i try and hide my discomfort by laughing - make jokes at my own expense about my feelings, downplay them. buuuttt.. i'm at a point where i'm going through so much that i just can't quite cope on my own anymore. the combination of money, and work, and mr married, and homelife - it's just too much (ok anonymous - i know i know, it serves me right with the mr. married thing. simmer down).

i don't know how helpful this will be. he asked me what i wanted from it, or how i defined how i thought i should feel. i don't actually know the answer to this. i think that i just want some tools to cope, you know? i have come a long way since the end of the "relationship" with psychojeremy, but i know that i have some lingering problems. i still have his voice in my head telling me i'm not good enough, that no one will ever want me. one thing he said to me will reverberate in my brain forever: "every day i meet women who are better looking than you, smarter than you, more successful than you, and all of them want the fairy tale. you just have to realize that you aren't ever going to get it - that's not what you are. you are just a fuck. accept it." he's so charismatic - so convincing. and he was such a powerful force in my life - my esteem, my character, my personality were defined by him for 3.5 years. i only existed in his eyes - i only had as much value as he allowed me to have. it's a rough thing to break away from.

the fellow i went to see today told me i should be very proud for getting out. victims of emotional abuse escape their situations less often than victims of physical abuse (he said), because physical abuse can be identified by outsiders. with emotional abuse the wounds are all on the inside, so it's not as easy for friends and loved ones to step in and help. and i am proud of myself - i'm very proud for staying away, cause for so long i thought i'd be caught in his cycle forever. but part of me can't help but wonder if maybe he was right. he's in a relationship with an attractive, successful woman - she's probably looking for the fairy tale. i'm still by myself, technically - the ugly stepsister.

ok i think i'm done writing about this for the evening anyway. thanks for bearing with me. i'll try and be funnier tomorrow....