hmph.

i really hate gossip. what's the point? talking about other people just means, to me, that you need to get a life. who could possibly be so interesting that you have nothing better to do than wander around spreading hearsay and half-truths?

a few years ago, i was part of a small 'scene'. i've never been much of a joiner, so even when i'm part of something i'm usually fairly removed from it. i guess i like to maintain an aura of mystery, if you will. however, in a small town, in a small scene, people rarely have much to talk about other than themselves and each other. so i started hearing tonnes of rumours about myself: i was addicted to cocaine, social services was on the verge of taking my son away, i was anorexic, i'd had my boobs enlarged, i'd had my boobs reduced... all of these silly things. it's generally just hurtful, and it makes it hard to trust the people who are around you. who's doing the talking? where are these stories coming from? why are people so interested in spreading information that is hurtful?

at work, i've also always been fairly removed from the various groups. and there are a few central groups. these groups are generally divided up based on department. one of the departments, in particular, could only be defined as catty. two of the women, in particular, revel in talking about other people - either good or bad. unfortunately, i have been the target more often than once, and am so again.

i hate hearing rumours about myself, but more than that i hate hearing rumours about people i care about that are based on their connection to me. i hate the idea that just because someone associates with me, their character is called into question. it really really upsets me. a few things were brought to my attention last night by my half drunk coworker. she may or may not have said them had she been sober, but say them she did. most of the things she said were going around the office are outright lies.

so i am back to having a general distrust of people today. i also would like to cancel my birthday festivities, because many of the people coming will be work people, and since i don't know who is doing the talking, i don't know who i should even speak with. but i won't do that. i'm just in a muddle.