The Hotness

so my approach to today was to dress hot, wear a great pair of shoes, and act aloof. i invoked what newly coined The Hotness. ok i managed the shoes and the clothes. also the hair, which was good today. the aloof-ness was not so much a success. actually, let's not kid. it's was a miserable failure. the hotness, however, worked well. and, i may add, was noticed.

i have never had a relationship end in which both parties loved each other and wished they could be together but are kept apart by other circumstances. it's remarkably soul-crushing. not to mention the fact that we work together... today was hard. tomorrow will be.... ah you fill in the blanks.

so disoriented

ok for the past five / six months my morning pattern has been wake up, email (***). (***) calls me while he's walking his dog. more emails while i'm on my way to work. i get in, and promptly begin watching for (***)'s car. (***) calls me while he's driving to work. (***) gets here, we say good morning and chat over coffee for a few minutes.

i'm not sure what to do...

is it fall already?

so i'm wearing a sweater. ok it's pretty sheer, and i have a tank top and bare legs under my little denim skirt, but it's still a sweater. and it's still, technically, august. not right. not right at all.

several people have asked me what i shall do when he changes his mind again? (both maktaaq and newly feel that he will do it) well, for the record, i don't think he's going to change his mind. however, i'm not particularly into being the best buy gift package consolation prize, if you know what i am saying. he did say to me, at one point: "i'd like to think that if i ended things with you, and things didnt' work out with me and (***), i could come find you. i mean, if it's meant to be, it's meant to be, right?". to which i sort of gaped at him.

maya angelou has this great saying: "when people show you who they are, believe them the first time". i think i got to find out a little bit about who he is the other day, you know? and i'm not sure i like it. i'm just glad i found out after 6 months, not after 15 years. that said, i cannot honestly answer that question at this point. it's not as though i'm not in love with him. i'm not the kind of person who can shut her feelings off - i tend to feel things really deeply, so it takes me a while to heal them. if he were to come to me and tell me he was sorely mistaken and wanted to make things work, what would i do? i have no idea...

yesterday i got the "it's not you it's me" phone call. he was quite adamant that it was over, but wanted to apologize for the way it ended. i, for one, feel that he was just immensely guilty for "The Airport Incident", and figured that calling to apologize would absolve him of the guilt. i, being me, called him on his bullshit. he sputtered ineffectually.

anyhoo... monday will be a challenge... we have a meeting first thing. should be interesting. if you read reports of a man being thrown through a plate glass window at a local office building, come bail me out, ok?

the ugly stepsister

there is one of those old sayings that has always stuck with me: "there are girls men have fun with and girls men marry". it's like being the ugly stepsister in the fairy tale - i really don't think all of them were that ugly. they just weren't the princess, you know? i'm trying to figure out how to get from being the girl that guys just hang out with for fun to being the other kind. not that i necessarily want to get married... i just want to feel like i'm the most beautiful girl in the world for someone.

word of advice? don't call someone when they are stuck in an airport, thousands of miles away from friends and family, and end a relationship with them. no matter what you say, that action tells the person that they are, essentially, not worth any respect or consideration at all. especially don't do it when they have accepted screwed up travel arrangements that will mean 19 hours in airports or on planes because they are rushing home to be with you 'cause they know you are unhappy. hiding behind a bank of payphones, clutching a kleenex and a cellphone, sucks a lot. no matter where you are in the world.

jet lag sux

thanks to swizzalish for this fun quiz...

eXpressive: 8/10
Practical: 5/10
Physical: 6/10
Giver: 8/10


You are a XSYG--Expressive Sentimental Physical Giver. This makes you a Sex Bomb.

You are sexy sex sex sex! The sexness! You are the sexiest, hottest and most charismatic of all types. You are a captivating speaker and a great dinner date -- relaxed, self-effacing, charming and generous. Your type probably has origins in something sad -- trying to keep the peace in a tough family situation, or an early heartbreak -- and you'll probably want to address and resolve that at some point, but in your relationships that heartache is pure gold!

You lie effortlessly -- not necessarily a bad thing. You can have problems with fidelity. You need frequent praise and validation, and in seeking it you can make decisions that aren't consistent with your general good judgment. In other words, don't cheat on your significant other just because someone is paying attention to you.

You strongly dislike conflict, and will avoid it. Like an XPYG, you give so much of yourself to your partner that you feel dismissed and unappreciated if you don't get the same in return. But you internalize your feelings more and have a hard time getting over them. You don't *want* to cheat -- you just keep finding yourself in vulnerable situations. But you'll stay with your partner in the long run from guilt and a desire to please.

Your sex life will always be hot. You are one of the rare people who can keep the fires of passion going forever -- if you find a good match. Find another XSYG and you will never need (or want) anyone else again.

Of the 11758 people who have taken this quiz, 9.6 % are this type.

ooo did somebody's feelings get hurt?

oops - i guess i touched a nerve with the pervert assholes who like the under 12 set. i had a few nasty comments left on my previous post. my new attitude to the fuckwits is this: i simply go in, ban their ip, and move on. their idiocy and sheer insignificance in the world speaks for itself.

an open letter...

to the people who find my site by using the search words "under", "sex" and "sixteen". fuck off. fuck right off. do not pass go, do not collect $200. for the person who used the word "twelve" instead? I hope the under sixteen assholes encounter you in a dark alley and use your nuts for party snacks.

best regards;
raspberry sundae

nostalgic sundae

so this evening i ended a 6 year relationship. why sundae! (you may say) i had no idea you were involved with someone long term!

well i was. and tonight it is over. i have sent my little vw packing. i watched it get hauled up on the back of a tow truck and taken to the wreckers. i am rather emotionally overwrought. funny, huh, that you can become emotionally involved with a beater? but i was. am. was. she's dead now. or is coughing her last.

classic fox "moments from past seasons, our writers are on holiday and didn't leave a script" sitcom montage:

• the driving over 150kph down the highway near chilliwack. having a police officer pull us over moment (the funny thing was that he thought he was involved in a high speed chase and made psychojeremy throw the keys out the car window, get out and spread eagle on the hood)
  
• driving back and forth to vancouver at least once a month for six months straight
  
• getting from pg to vancouver in 7 hours moment
  
• going back and forth across railroad tracks with js cause he was amazed at how the cd player didn't skip moment
  
• the "hey am i starring in my own porno?" blowing a tire & having two firefighters stop to help me out moment
  

ahh such good times. i'll miss you, old girl.

update

1 rebar cookbook exchanged for 1 whole foods market cookbook.

first recipe attempted from the rebar cookbook - raspberry (of course!) oat bars. i modified them to include belgian milk chocolate and coconut. test run by various family members to rave reviews...

birthdae tally

• one delighted sundae
  
• one surprise party
  
• nine fun friends
  
• two beastie boys tickets
  
• two rebar cookbooks (hee hee!)
  
• one fun pink studded leather belt
  
• one fun beaded bracelet
  
• one fun book of essays by culinary women
  
• one super yummy dark chocolate raspberry crush candy bar
  
• countless glasses of vodka & soda
  
• one tipsy sundae
  
• more food than you could shake a stick at
  
• one breakfast in squamish in the sunshine
  
• lots of fun birthday greetings
  

quite the birthday! thanks everybody!

weeee! my birthday horoscope

"Everything's coming up long-stem roses. You have a lot to celebrate, and you are ready to share your high spirits with everyone around you. The core of your being feels full and in harmony with the universe. If you happen to hit a slippery patch today, you will find your way out of it. Triumph is the theme of the day. You glow with a warmth and radiance that attracts all kinds of attention. You don't even have to turn on the switch -- your beam is ever-present."

hmph.

i really hate gossip. what's the point? talking about other people just means, to me, that you need to get a life. who could possibly be so interesting that you have nothing better to do than wander around spreading hearsay and half-truths?

a few years ago, i was part of a small 'scene'. i've never been much of a joiner, so even when i'm part of something i'm usually fairly removed from it. i guess i like to maintain an aura of mystery, if you will. however, in a small town, in a small scene, people rarely have much to talk about other than themselves and each other. so i started hearing tonnes of rumours about myself: i was addicted to cocaine, social services was on the verge of taking my son away, i was anorexic, i'd had my boobs enlarged, i'd had my boobs reduced... all of these silly things. it's generally just hurtful, and it makes it hard to trust the people who are around you. who's doing the talking? where are these stories coming from? why are people so interested in spreading information that is hurtful?

at work, i've also always been fairly removed from the various groups. and there are a few central groups. these groups are generally divided up based on department. one of the departments, in particular, could only be defined as catty. two of the women, in particular, revel in talking about other people - either good or bad. unfortunately, i have been the target more often than once, and am so again.

i hate hearing rumours about myself, but more than that i hate hearing rumours about people i care about that are based on their connection to me. i hate the idea that just because someone associates with me, their character is called into question. it really really upsets me. a few things were brought to my attention last night by my half drunk coworker. she may or may not have said them had she been sober, but say them she did. most of the things she said were going around the office are outright lies.

so i am back to having a general distrust of people today. i also would like to cancel my birthday festivities, because many of the people coming will be work people, and since i don't know who is doing the talking, i don't know who i should even speak with. but i won't do that. i'm just in a muddle.

look what lemolicious left me for my birthday!

i am the luckiest girl in the world... thank you bebe!

3 days was the morning

3 lovers in three ways... we knew when she landed.. three days she'd stay. oops, sorry, tangent.

it's three days to my birthday. i believe the plans involve a beach, a bikini, and lots of refreshing vodka based drinks. once again, you are all invited. please contact mike b if you would like to attend.

suggested birthday offerings:

• beastie boys tickets. and no, mike, i'm not too old for the floor
  
• a copy of the rebar cookbook
  
• the moosewood desserts cookbook
  
• shoes. i wear 6.5 or 7 depending
  
• vintage nancy drew books (the old blue and yellow ones. i have #1 and the secret of shadow ranch, whatever number that is)
  
• anything pink
  
• bt - escm
  

of course, i am just kidding. i'd just like lots of people to come along and have fun with me. it's funny - i had such crappy birthdays when i was with psychojeremy. last year i decided i was going to have fun, so i took myself to vegas. this year, i can't afford vegas and there is someone in particular i don't want to leave behind right now, so i shall stay here and go to the beach. there are a few people that i wish could be here - the palmers, and stacylicious, of course - but i am looking forward to seeing who shall come out for the fun.

boom crash

i went to see the finale of the fireworks last night. i am torn about this whole vancouver phenomenon - some years i try and avoid it like the plague (last year, for example). this year i really wanted to check it out. so i did.

we went to this park on the west side - it's far away from the chaos of the beach scene, but is up on a hill so you can see all of the lightshow without being trampled by hordes of camera flashing tourists. really, the lightshow from the flashes on the beach rivals the spectacle in the sky, but i digress. someone nearby had the foresight to bring along a tinny portable radio so we could listen to the commentary and the music along with. it never ceases to amaze me how a crowd of (probably) just shy of 500 people can hush in an instant.

i was pleased that sweden won (sorry to those of you who had it taped to watch this morning). why is that, you might ask? based on previous posts you may have suspected me of cheering spain along... the truth is this - i'm irish. we generally root for the underdog. and come now, let's not kid. fireworks? in sweden? how unlikely is that? i bet they arrived in canada packed in a very flat box, and required several hours of excruciatingly frustrating do-it-yourself assembly as the presenters attempted to follow cryptic instructions and deciper runic diagrams. so good on them.

anyhoo, i'm off to brunch with the devastatingly handsome mike b. have a lovely sundae...

soup course

soup course

there is something magical about soup, and i don't mean, necessarily, in the obvious witch's steaming cauldron sense. it is, by far, my favourite thing to cook. you take separate ingredients and simmer them together to create an entirely new flavour... you add one or two things and completely alter that flavour. soup can be as complex or as simple as you want - you can take two ingredients and put them together and call it soup. you can combine the sum contents of your refrigerator crisper and voila! soup.

humans have been making soup for around 5000 years - coinciding with the invention of waterproof and heatproof cooking containers. our early ancestors must have marveled at the way you can render a formerly inedible plant product tender to the teeth by prolonged submersion in boiling water; how cereal grains - neat and smooth as intact individuals - became soft and malleable, thickening the broth and submitting to the subtle pressure of the tongue. adding animal fats or nuts change the texture and thickness yet again. the combinations are limitless - are foundered only by the extent of your imagination.

Make the gruel thick and slab:
Add thereto a tiger's chaudron,
For the ingredients of our cauldron.
Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.
Cool it with a baboon's blood,
Then the charm is firm and good.

i judge the quality of a cook by the quality of their soup - it is a forgiving medium and s/he who cannot make a decent pot of soup is questionable in all forms of cookery. i judge the quality of a person by the quality of their soup - it is a labour of love and a metaphor which can be extended to the outside world. put the parts of yourself into any endeavour and the sum which is returned should be of the highest quality.

double double toil and trouble... come back to the cauldron with me, for what is a potion if not a soup? the image of the witch in front of her cooking pot resonates: it is neither the witch nor the brew which strikes fear or awe in our hearts. it is the combination of the two - the transformation of soup to potion is facilitated by the witch, by the woman, by the chef.

double double toil and trouble.... sip hearty chowder with me by a fire on a cold day and let it warm you to the core. spoon chilled gazpacho as we watch the sun set and remember spain. close your eyes and recall campbell's chicken noodle and premium plus crackers after tobagganing. are you with me? can you live my memories with me? i can put who i am into the pot. when i make minestrone i am 15 again, walking through wintery prince george with my friend ilene, taking refuge from the -35 degree weatherin our rec room by the woodstove, eating bowl after bowl of thick soup and eating homemade brown buns.

double double toil and trouble.... soup alone can make the humble potato erotic- rendered sensual and velvety to the taste after its sojourn in the pot. here i add herbs and mysterious powders from my cupboard. smell the transformation as i make water into wine... this is the magic of soup - it lies in the potential of all things to become something more than they appear on the surface.

saturdaes

one of the things i love about blogging is doing stuff like hitting a link from newly's comments and coming upon a new game courtesy of blindsky it's all so interelated....

I AM: almost at my birthay, wearing pyjamas, nursing sore shoulders from the gym

I WANT: an adventure, and someone to have it with. more coffee. a chocolate croissant. a kitchen aid mixer (professional size) in stainless steel.
I HAVE: a decent job, a scary boss, and a nosering
I WISH: for a fairy tale ending (this is hers but i'm leaving it). a holiday somewhere new. new shoes
I HATE: overcooked vegetables, dolls, being broke
I MISS: cooking in my own kitchen, the lebls, going to school
I FEAR: being lost in a sea of my own emotions
I HEAR: people having breakfast
I SEARCH: for peace, but understand as well that the search is peace.
I WONDER: what i shall do today
I REGRET: going back for more when i'd obviously had enough
I LOVE: chocolate, coffee, miso soup, the kiddo, listening to music really loud, driving fast

I ALWAYS: try to face the day with the smile
I AM NOT: particularly awake yet
I DANCE: all the time, but not very well
I SING: while i'm driving
I CRY: as seldom as possible
I WRITE: cause it's part of me, but not as often as i should

I WIN: most arguments (in my head, anyway lol)
I LOSE: everything

I CONFUSE: myself, my words
I NEED: sunday mornings with coffee, a newspaper, and someone to read it with
I SHOULD: comb my hair, look after myself better

[YES OR NO]
You keep a diary: yes
You have a secret journal: no
You set your watch a few minutes ahead: yes
You bite your fingernails: no
You believe in love: yes



[DO YOU]
Take a shower everyday: yes
Want to get married: maybe someday

Have any tattoos/where?: yes / back, shoulder
Piercings/where?: ears, tongue

Get motion sickness: if i read in the car

Think you're a health freak: yes and no
Get along with your parents: most of the time


[WHEN YOU SEE THIS NAME YOU THINK OF?]
Mike: b
Matt: damon
Drew: barrymore

Ashley: judd
Will: smith

Nikki: sixx

Paul: frank
Eve: i want to say every, not a name. funny brain
George: michael
Lauren: hill
Alex: ander the great
Tyler: Liv

[FAVORITE]
NUMBER: 4 or 7
COLOR: pink or black
DAY: sundae
MONTH: august
SONG: digital bath by deftones, acoustic version of everlong by foo fighters, how soon is now by the smiths
FOOD: miso soup, chocolate, really good spaghetti with crusty bread
SEASON: fall
SPORT: track

DRINK: raspberry stoli with soda and a lime

VEGGIE: asparagus, yams, spinach
FRUIT: raspberries of course. also blackberries and nectarines

FAST FOOD: sushi



[IN THE LAST 24 HOURS, HAVE YOU]
HELPED SOMEONE? yes
BOUGHT SOMETHING? yes
GOTTEN SICK? yes
GONE TO THE MOVIES? no
GONE OUT FOR DINNER? no

SAID "I LOVE YOU"? yes
WRITTEN A REAL LETTER? no
TALKED TO AN EX? no
MISSED AN EX? no
WRITTEN IN A JOURNAL? yes
TALKED TO SOMEONE YOU CRUSH ON? yes

MISSED SOMEONE? yes

HUGGED SOMEONE? yes
FOUGHT WITH YOUR PARENTS? no
FOUGHT WITH A FRIEND? no

hmm this was fun... self reflection for a self-reflective weekend...

tales from the lightbulb factory

my boss is an interesting character. at times, she seems lovely and caring. at others, she's a psychotic nutball who systematically destroys the psyche of the people working for her.

• case in point: today, much to the bafflement of myself and the person i was talking with, i was thrown out of a meeting room because my boss had inadvertantly booked a meeting in it over top of the one that i had scheduled. hers was apparently more important.
  
• case in point: the other day, i received a very angry email instructing me to do something that is not my job and has nothing to do with any part of my job. it's someone elses' - someone in an entirely different department.
  
• case in point: well, there's the whole sending me a job ad thing...
  

i could go on and on, describing a litany of oddness and inappropriate behaviour, but why bother? i do, however, notice that she is slowly but surely alienating herself from many other people in many other departments... and i have to be quietly delighted. i'm interested in seeing where it will go....

secl

Wackiness: 46/100
Rationality: 28/100
Constructiveness: 60/100
Leadership: 60/100


You are an SECL--Sober Emotional Constructive Leader. This makes you a politician. You cut deals, you change minds, you make things happen. You would prefer to be liked than respected, but generally people react to you with both. You are very sensitive to criticism, since your entire business is making people happy.

At times your commitment to the happiness of other people can cut into the happiness of you and your loved ones. This is very demanding on those close to you, who may feel neglected. Slowly, you will learn to set your own agenda--including time to yourself.

You are gregarious, friendly, charming and charismatic. You like animals, sports, and beautiful cars. You wear understated gold jewelry and have secret bad habits, like chewing your fingers and fidgeting.

You are very difficult to dislike.
_______________________________________________________________

what do you think? is it right?

thanks, effervesse for the link....

this just in:

i was reading sarah b just now, and discovered she has a guest blogger. this guest blogger is my new crush (sorry joaquin. ok i still love you. i'm just really turned on by this man. you should take me now)

he has three rants at the end of his post, and i shall (having appropriately referenced the source)quote rant #2:

"Anyone who uses the phrase "beauty is a construct." Oh, I see, so when I'm walking down the street and I'm literally stunned by the sight of the unbelievably gorgeous woman passing by, it's actually the patriarchy talking. You're an idiot. I can't believe you actually respected the equally stupid graduate assistant who taught your Women in Feminist Theatre class sophomore year. Were you one of those people that actually turned gay for awhile so it would give you more credibility in class arguments? That phrase doesn't even make sense. Is gravity a construct, you fucking retard?"

hee hee (again, if i were the kind of person who giggled, i'd be doing that sort of thing now).

*ahem*

for the record, it is a short two, count'em two, weeks away from my birthday. i will be **(this sampling of sundae silliness will be censored for your safety)** years old. please forward gifts and monetary tokens of adoration to me, care of, well, me. thanks.

also, those who live in the greater lotusland area should contact mike b if they are interested in any festivities. i disavow all knowledge, in advance, of what he's up to, but rumour has it he's up to something. (at this point i would be giggling, if i did such a thing).

all of a sudden i'm 20 again

ministry with my life with the thrill kill cult are playing the commodore at the end of september. how cool is that? who wants to go with me? i'm having a 'thinking of the one who got away' moment - this was the kind of stuff we used to do together. yes i know - raspberry romance. one of those soft and squishy couple things for sure.

i have just now noticed that quentin tarantino is in 'desperado'. i guess all this time i have been distracted by antonio banderas. that, or i have selective memory.

i stole this fun new toy from ms. swizz. i like the goth one - i'm not feeling particularly black, but i do enjoy the hairdo.

ok, this was a dull post. i'm off to bed with antonio. g'nite kids...