explanation

ok so here it is:

the theory behind the celibacy is this.

two haircuts ago, my hairdresser looked at me in the mirror and said "i'm not trying to hit on you or anything, but you are really *sexy*". i laughed out loud and asked her to elaborate. she said "you just sort of exude it. you can tell that you really like sex."

as part of my since-new-year-thinks, part of me wonders if maybe that's how people see me - that the sexy is all that i am. does that make sense? like i am sexy - i obviously like sex - so that becomes the sum of my personality - no need to look any deeper. these are thoughts i've explored before - no new territory here. what was new, however was my half assed decision to see if maybe, just maybe, i STOPPED having sex if people would want to see me as more, if people would look deeper than the sexy.

"there are girls you sleep with and girls you marry"
"that's not who you are - you're just the fuck"

we're back to the ugly stepsister thing again, maybe. i don't know. you don't have to be UGLY to be the ugly stepsister. you just have to know that you ain't gonna get the prince. and maybe that's ok. maybe knowing that you will end up living alone with the cats is ok, as long as along the way you got to make out with all of the knights and *not* turn into a pumpkin at midnight - instead you stayed out till 6am dancing and laughing and drinking and talking, and then were locked out of the castle and had to go sneaking around the yard giggling giggling looking for the spare key hoping hoping the dog doesn't bark and wake up the night watchmen.

s'ok - i fucked up the celibacy thing anyway. oops, slipsies. he sure was cute, though. nice, too - which is rare for me. maybe celibacy was good for me, after all :-).