crash, bang, boom

so last night mikeb and i went to see the arcade fire with wolf parade and belle orchestre. it was a cacophony of sound and light and people and i got squished and nearly knocked off the guardrail (which is better than the guy beside me who got shoved off by the security guard) and i loved every second of it. they stood on the stage and played their hearts out and reminded me why i like seeing bands way before they get big-big when they still care about what's going on and not just about the benjamins (green day excluded, clearly). it's why i'm looking so forward to the constantines next week.

tnb had a boy's night last night. i was the happy recipient of three countem drunken phone calls over the course of the evening, the lastest being at about 2.30am as he was tucking his wasted self into bed. here's the scary thing - as he was hanging up, barely conscious, he said to me "i love you".

that's the first time, you know, the first time he's said that. he's not really that kind of person - the kind of person who talks about their feelings or expresses their emotions freely. he's old school. he calls me twice/threetimes daily especially when he's away and that's how i know he's thinking about me and i'm good with that, cause that's the kind of man my dad is, and that's the kind of guy i grew up with - you know they care 'cause they'd fight to the death to defend you from threats real and imagined and 'cause they tuck you up beside them when you are cold and 'cause they always ALWAYS walk on the outside of the sidewalk so you are safe between them and the buildings but they're not the types who write love letters and poems and bring flowers just 'cause. if you need that sort of validation you should just move on, 'cause you'll never find it here and make yourself and him crazy looking for it.

but anyway, he was loaded and he said it and i said it back 'cause i think i'm pretty sure it's true i've been sort of thinking that for a while (since somewhere in the middle of his last away trip) but will he remember and if he remembers will it freak him out that he said it?

i'll never say it first, you know, even if i'm thinking it. we could be together for fifty seven years and if you don't say it first i'll go to my grave holding it in. but if you say it to me and i feel it i have no problem telling you with truth and hope and brightness and sunshine. until that day i'll just show you in ten thousand different ways that you are in my thoughts and my heart.

but he said it and my heart exploded in my chest and i sat awake trembling for fifty seven minutes afterwards and now i'm anticipating/dreading his waking up and maybe remembering saying it and maybe regretting it or maybe not remembering and which would be worse i can't really tell.

(these freeform thoughts of mine are always run on sentences 'cause that's how my brain works. rapid fire words and images synapsing straight from nerve ending to fingertip to keyboard.)

either way - it'll be an interesting day.

oh and thanksgiving dinner is for nine, not seven.