fuck you i won't do what you tell me

i'm not allowed to push the cart in costco. in fact, it's really better if i don't even stand anywhere near the cart-propelling area 'cause there's no guarantee that i won't grab the handle and RAM it into the dumbass blocking the aisle in front of me. DON'T STOP MOVING WHILE YOU ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE AISLE KEEP WALKING OR STAND ASIDE MOTHER FUCKERS. I MEAN IT I WILL KILL YOU ALL WITH THIS COMMERCIAL SIZED BUCKET OF BEEF-A-RONI.

alright i'm done now.

i think that this woman has channelled into my brain: 'My standards of dating have deteriorated rapidly, from "must love the absurdity and avant-guarde nature of Jacques Tati films" to "must have the two P's: Penis and Pulse."' seriously - it's like she's taken the words out of my cerebral cortex and turned them into simple html - black text on a white background as close to oldschool as it gets, kids. ahh come on now. look into those eyes - would i seriously ram someone with a cart? me? nah....

ok maybe.

but just the once.

or the twice.

no more than twice, though.

seriously.

i promise.

i might have a date on thursday. that's kind of exciting huh? it always worries me when people refer to themselves as geeks. i mean *i* refer to myself as a geek, but i'm the *good* kind of geek, you know? not the bad kind. oh let's not kid - i'm a geek plain and simple. i just have slightly ungeeky packaging. it's false advertising, is what it is. really, it's akin to having inflatable. breasts.

not that i do.

no i'm actually serious this time.

no inflatable breatesses here.

i promise.

kiss me before it all gets complicated

oh i've been very naughty. i discovered the last of the apple crisp in a small bowl just waiting to be warmed up - popped into the microwave just for a few seconds or so - and so i did it i hit that button i spun that glass plate around and around and around and then when it was done i pulled it out and took a spoonful into my mouth and felt the tart apple hot against my tongue and thought to myself 'do you know what would make this even better and a little less hot? some vanilla ice cream.' so i opened the freezer so surreptiously so quietly so cautiously so that no one would hear and took a spoonful out of the bucket and added it to the bowl placed it gently on top of the crisp and hurried downstairs so that no one could see no one could say 'what are you doing you know that it will only make you sick' i know all that but i wanted to do it anyway and oh man it was good. it was it did it made me sick about sixty two seconds after i finished but i haven't had ice cream in two years and it was so sweet and cold and the perfect compliment to the tart apple hot against my tongue.

hung up in a warehouse town

i can't wait for my mouthguard. i'm tired of waking up with a headache (wine related or otherwise).
reading tony and mr wolf talk about their travels gives me total wanderlust. i come from a long line of sailors - on my dad's side, my family has always been sailors or shipbuilders - and that urge to travel has always been a part of me. it's been a really long time since i've gone anywhere. when i first started doing the job that i have now, they told me i'd get to travel a lot, but then someone higher up decided in their infinite wisdom that i was too valuable to have out of the office. which is good, i guess, but at the same time sucks rocks.

it's funny 'cause the people around me are settling into their careers, buying homes, getting married, and starting families, whereas i'm looking at another couple of years of my kid living at home, then he's going to take off to do his own thing and i'll pretty much be free and on my own. i think at that point is when i'm going to put some serious consideration into seeing a lot of the world. i have about nine years of debt left. i have no real desire to own my own home. my ten year plan involves paying everything off and then taking my salary and investing in the kinds of experiences that make life worth living.

this is not, of course, to say that i'm going to wait ten years to start living my life. i'm going to do great stuff in the meantime, as well. but in ten years i think i can start doing it in earnest and living debt free means that i won't have to worry about whether or not i'm making 70k a year (not like i particularly worry about it now, but you know what i mean).

i was in spain about six years ago. my auntie and uncle own a flat in torremolinos. i'd get up in the morning and go for a run along the beach at 7.30, then shower and have fruit for breakfast, go lie on the beach for a couple of hours, do some sightseeing, go back to the flat to have a bottle of wine on the patio and get ready for dinner, head out to a restaurant and sit outside along the water till 2 or three am, hit a club or just wander home, get up the next day and do it all again.

we had originally planned on going back over there at the end of june this year, but my dad hasn't really been doing too well. he's going through these tests to see if he qualifies to have this totally experimental procedure done to see if it can finally cure this depression that has plagued him for 15 years. i'm not sure what it's all about except that it involves implanting some kind of magnet in his brain and it gives me an anxiety attack to think about. so anyway, i don't think we will be going that soon, but may try for the end of september. even if i can't go i'm going to try and send the kiddo - he's never travelled at all and that's something i totally regret. oh speaking of the kiddo - i guess he was on his way back from the movies with some friends last night, and a thing about the sasquatch festival played over the radio. it listed off a bunch of the bands going to be there and he shouted out "omg! i'm going to that!" his friends responded doubtfully - like of course they'd all like to go, but the kiddo could actually say "nono! my mom has the tickets already! i'm really going!". that's pretty cool...

anyway, i'm going to shower and do some laundry and bake banana bread and otherwise lounge around for my day off.

xoxo

wake up and smell the melba toast

hey guess what i finally created a buzznet account. ok there's not so much up there right now, but it'll grow, it'll grow...

and the streets say - oh i'm on to you

i slept for 11 hours last night - crashed watching grosse point blank before ten pm and didn't open my eyes till after nine this morning. this is due, i think, to seperate yet equally contributing factors. one - my week was nuts and i was physically and mentally exhausted at the end of it. two - i forgot to take my meds yesterday.

see on the picture there? that's my baby warmer which i cannot seem to get rid of. i don't need it - i won't be warming any more babies. however, it does not appear to want to leave me. i guess i should just learn to accept it, become one with it, embrace the babywarmer. should i give it a name? perhaps ferdinand? or adolpho? suzette?

i went to the sister's last night and made chicken korma, papadums, samosas and basmati rice cooked in coconut milk and caradmum. i can't attest to the chicken, but the rest of it was pretty frickin' good. hmm maybe if i stopped cooking with coconut milk i could get rid of adolpho. ferdinand. i mean suzette. worth pondering, i suppose.

i declined any wine. i figured that since it was still emanating my pores from the night before, adding more to the mix would be overkill. i stuck to gingerale, much to the disgust of my dinner companions. sneaking out before they headed to the pub just about caused a mutiny but i was, as previously mentioned, exhausted.

i am on an unscheduled three-day weekend. my boss, who rocks the party, gave me monday off as reward for working my ass off this past little while. so i'm not sure what i'm going to do with myself, except that it will involve things which do not cost too much money, as i really have none to speak of. i guess i could borrow. but since i don't have any real pressing plans, it doesn't seem to be necessary.

my horoscope today talks about approaching romantic interests differently than i have previously - trying new things and blah blah blah. i assent to being caught in a pattern, to being trapped in a place where i date only people from my circle. i just don't really know how to break out of it. don't tell me to take a class - what with yoga starting again i don't have time for more. but i will take suggestions. or if you know cute boys who are single, sane, and in the area, send'em my way, huh?

i've lost my head again

ooo i kind of wish i could lose my head... went to a friend's place for dinner last night and drank alottalotta red wine. ouch. ahh migraine strength advil - whatever did i do before you entered my life?

ug my stomach is a tad unhappy as well.

my sister is throwing one of her infamous dinner parties again - you know the kind where she invites a lot of people over and i get to do the cooking? yeah that kind. tonight, though i think i'll be on the gingerale mmm gingerale.

so i've been lying here watching the olympics / napping. the canadian women speedskaters dominated at the 5000 and i must say they put on an incredible performance both on the ice and off. the class and grace they displayed after the race were great examples of sportsmanship. well done ladies.

has anyone else been struck by how ridiculous four man bobsledding is? like four hulking men cuddled up together and hurtling around an icy ring. it cracked me up. it hurt my head. is there someone i can call abut this?

and is it a sad state of my romantic life that i just found a member of the canadian curling team hot?

maybe i should go back to sleep.

tell me who are you

stinkin' csi is a repeat tonight. my arms are all wobbly - i was doing a yoga backbends class and you have to do the upward bow thing five times in a row and i didn't think i was going to make it up that last time there.

but i did.

yay, me.

speaking of yay, me - guess who has tickets to the sasquatch festival? yeah baybee. coachella smoachella. the constantines, death cab, the hip, nine inch nails, the shins, iron & wine, neko case, oh oh it goes on and on and on. not to mention, it's super close to my house. well, not super close, but closer than california, anyhoo.

anyone want to come? how's that for a blogger meet up party?

i don't mind, mind, don't have a mind

so if you were a corporation as large as, say, canon, and your marketing team came up with a radio spot which centred around a tired cliched jerry macguire reference (especially given the decidedly cool temperature of current public perception of mr tom 'jump the couch' cruise), wouldn't you, perhaps, fire that marketing company and look for some better representation? 'you had me at canon'. huh.

i'm just sayin'.

there's that one, and the one which features a guy who's over the moon 'cause he just got a job as a ski lift operator in whistler. never mind the fact that he's gonna have to have two other jobs (at least) to be able to afford to live in whistler. but shit, he's movin' on up, alright.

i can't decide if these two are supposed to be slyly ironic - a bit of a poke at corporate suits who don't really know any better - or if somebody, somewhere, needs to inject some creativity into advertising. what i *do* know is that i really need to stop listening to the radio on my way to work.

the devil runs them by quantum theory on tuesday

so this afternoon i went to get fitted for a mouth guard. i must say it was not the *best* way to spend the afternoon. however, i did not gag. i do have a fairly impressive control over my gag reflex - pretty much the only thing that triggers it is canned peaches.

see, i just have to *think* about canned peaches and i start to gag. blergh.

as i was gathering up my stuff i thought to myself 'well, i've certainly had WORSE things in my mouth'. when the dental assistant began to howl, i realized that i hadn't used my inside voice whilst pondering that particular tidbit of wisdom.

sadly, i can't file this under 'things which sound dirty but aren't' 'cause, well, it is.

the war won't stop for the love of god

ok i cheered myself up a little when i discovered this. see, i have a secret crush on rick mercer. (yes dean, i know that if i tell everybody it's no longer a secret. but this isn't really *telling* everybody. nobody reads this anyway. right?

right.)

anyway - if you hit that link up there you get to watch a whole whack of archived video from his rick mercer report tv show, including the rants. be warned - most of the humour is peculiarily canadian in the way that the tragically hip are canadian - you don't have to be from here to like it, but it probably helps.

i wanna know if this could be my faith

do you ever notice that when the weather goes from sunny to grey all of a sudden everyone is tired and lethargic? i swear i need to funnel coffee intravenously to keep my eyes open. not to mention the fact that someone brought in bagels this morning, so i spent the first part of the day in a carbocoma. grand fun, i tell you.

a couple of years ago, in a delusional fit of fiscally-minded responsibility, i arranged to have my income tax returns put directly onto my student loans. this seemed like a grand idea at the time - i patted myself on the back for being so adult and all that crap.

this was all well and good in *theory*. of course, once i prepared the actual returns and saw the tasty refund the canadian government was going to pay me it was less pleasing.

in fact, it's downright depressing. ahh... when i stop and think of what i could do with this year's money right now - vacation, new wardrobe, botox, penis enlargement, down payment on a new car, the list goes on.

le sigh.

ooo i could *also* put the money towards cloning myself the perfect boyfriend, cause god knows the specimens i'm collecting for free certainly leave a great deal to be desired.

or i could just use it to buy enough wine so that i plain 'ol didn't care anymore. that might be cheaper.

for german, who sees the world in colour

my friend has gone to mexico for a couple of weeks, and he came online today and was telling me about this cuban jazz bar he went to last night. when the bar closed he ended up at this little after hours blues bar, hanging out till 6am.

ah i need a holiday.

when i was out with boy australia last night, we popped into a pub by the hotel for a drink before the movie. while we were there, we ran into a couple of his coworkers. you could see them giving me the once-over, trying to figure out who i am, why he's holding my hand. i'm sure he'll have some questions to answer tomorrow.

i'm really sleepy, though. i never sleep well in a strange place, and boy australia is a small block heater. i swear to god i thought i was going to die, a couple of times, i was so hot.

ok that might be a bit of an exaggeration. just a little, though. i may have actually been near death once or twice. maybe three times.

german asked me why i always take pictures in black and white. i think i just like the silvery exposure - like old time movie photos. we have a picture of my gramma (on my dad's side) taken when she was a young woman done in the old hollywood glamour style. she was a beautiful lady. i've always loved the picture, and kind of wished i could have the same kind taken of me. so i guess i'm just trying to take my own. plus i find it really hard to take pictures of myself in colour for some reason - i guess it's not as forgiving a medium.

ahh i'm tired. i'm going to wash my face and climb into bed. goodnight xoxo

you've read too many books you've seen too many plays

best laid plans and all - last night (yet again) was supposed to be an evening spent at home in the company of a novel and perhaps the cbc's stellar coverage of the turino festivities. yet again i ended up at the last minute having fun in impromptu activities. which is to say that i went to see 'walk the line' at a drive in with boy australia. and spending the night in a hotel.

well it's too far to drive home, you see.

really it is.

it's a long way away.

*ahem* anyway.

i haven't made out at a drive in for... well, ever actually. i used to go to the one up in pee gee, but when i was young it was usually a carload of girls and a bag full of weed. as an adult i used to take the kiddo for a novelty. i remember going to the last night it was open at the end of september and having to periodically scrape the frost off the inside of the windows. it was this depth of experience with gave me the foresight to bring a blanket. it was the blanket which gave me the wherewithal to remove my pants when invited to do so. fortunatley we arrived at the tail end of 'big momma 2', so i was ok with facing the back of the car.

i wouldn't have been so pleased to miss walk the line - i really did want to see that one. it was fabulous, by the way. if you haven't seen it i highly recommend it. r-r-a-A-A-W-W-w-r-r joaquin phoenix.

crack its weary spine and read

now this isn't to say that i'm damaged goods, by the way.

i'm double-three years old - i defy you to find someone who has made it to my age without baggage. however, as i like to think of it, some baggage is carry-on, and some requires a bellboy.

mine's carry-on, thanks. i can manage it by myself.

every time you close your eyes (lies)

it's colder than a mo-fo out there right now, and i swear to god every channel is playing olympic curling. who wants to watch olympic curling? not me that's for damn sure. oooo what's this? a repeat of the supernatural episode that i only half-watched on tuesday, 'cause i couldn't extricate myself from a conversation with dj-m? lovely. i'm in.

kids i got floor tickets for franz ferdinand and death cab. i'm pretty pleased with that situation. i also have a new favourite wine - debortoli 2003 petite sirah. it tastes like chocolate. i am *all about* sitting and drinking the whole bottle tonight. well, not the whole bottle, 'cause i shared with the mama and she likes it as much as i do. omg i think i'm going to EAT chocolate and drink the wine. how cool will THAT be?

i'm trying to write this post about my crazy ex-boyfriend and how he was a big part of the reason i didn't finish my degree. it's warbling around in my head right now, so i might just keep babbling till it comes out, ok?

work's been really crazy this week. like i've been running and running and it seems like i just can't catch up. i do have a great boss, though. she totally knows that she can just pretty much leave me to my own devices and i'll get put my head down and get shit done. today she emerged from her meetings for like five minutes and everybody EVERYBODY was clamouring for her attention and i asked one question and then went to turn back to my computer and she mouths at me "go home early" and gives me a big smile.

so i left half an hour early, which doesn't mean much 'cause i always answer emails all evening and will probably work for a while tomorrow morning and sunday morning 'cause i'm a kickass employee. but it was sunny beautiful and i picked up the kiddo and we went to tenbucks for tea and had a lovely chat and his phone rang five times and every time he said "yo i'm at starbucks with my mom i'll call you later". le sigh. it's almost that day again the day of no sleep all night staying up worrying the worst day of the year for me. we were driving home last night from dinner talking about music and he said how he loves apc's second album start to finish it's like a work of poetry. i said i have trouble listening to it, now, 'cause i was listening to it lots during that time so it puts me in a bad place. he was quiet for a minute and told me he knew what i meant.

this depression / anxiety thing is hereditary, you know. my dad's been sick for so long - so sick and there is no cure. i denied it and denied it pretended like i didn't need help and that what i was feeling was normal that keeping it inside and not talking was a-ok. but you know, it's not ok and sometimes it bubbles up bubbles up and out and you can't cope and that's what happened to the kiddo, that day.

i just hurt myself in other ways more subtle ways. i become attached to unavailable men to protect myself from getting swallowed alive the way i was with crazyjeremy. they abandon me and i am justified in my self-loathing and in my head i hear his voice echoing echoing saying 'every day i meet women who are more successful than you and better looking than you and they're all looking for the fairy tale. when are you going to wake up and realize that is not who you are - you are just a fuck. admit it."

it's more subtle, you know. you can't see the cuts on my arms can't see the blood on the floor on the sheets but they run deep. when they break open and bleed you know it 'cause i throw myself onto the dancefloor and into the bed with who ever will wrap me up and hide the pain in a few moments of pleasure.

crazyjeremy preyed on this - on my need to feel loved feel welcomed feel like *part* of something. he made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world and controlled me by threatening to take away his love and attention. when he smiled on me it was like the heavens opened up and the sun shone down upon my world. when he turned his attention away it was like the light would never shine again. and this was all tied up in drugs and the fact that i knew he was cheating and i was lost and alone 'cause he hated for me to spend time with anyone but him so i didn't have very many friends anymore.

he'd encourage me to do my schoolwork but then call me every fifteen minutes when i was at the school to check up on me. if i didn't answer 'cause i was in the library or teaching or in a meeting he'd freak out and accuse me of fucking someone else. pretty soon it was just easier to stay with him all the time and work in his cafe and in his salon and not go to school. eventually i was just so far behind and i had no self confidence at all anymore and i just... didn't... believe in myself anymore.

so i stopped.

and here i am - sometimes i wish i hadn't and sometimes i'm glad i did. i do know that he gave scars that will never fade, but they kind of make me who i am.

i'm done with sergio

so the australia boy reappeared last night. we had a weird emoticon-only conversation for about half an hour. sadly, most of my emoticons are dirty so after awhile it seemed like i was participating in a 'choose your own ending' porno. he did, eventually, actually start talking but it took a while.

now that i think about it, i'm horny, too. i guess i can't fault him for that, huh?

he sold his condo on the weekend and has scheduled his last day of work for the 3rd of march. he was studying for some upgrading exam but commented "for some reason you can distract me really easily". i think that's a compliment.

today is the sister's birthday. i am responsible for bringing cupcakes, and the giftie is taken care of 'cause i bought her a ticket to see franz ferdinand and death cab at the end of april. thank god, by the way, 'cause she's a hard one to shop for.

my head's spinning i'm so busy at work. i'll try and write some more later...

random confession #548

i'm addicted to sirius radio station #22 - first wave, which is to say 'classic' alternative music. which is to say the music i listened to as i spent my formative years brooding in my dark bedroom, scribbling angst-ridden poetry in a tattered notebook and reading kafka, is now considered 'classic'.

i feel so old.

valentine's day tally - one hershey's caramel kiss (colleague), one foil covered chocolate heart (yoga instructor), various cyber kisses, some lovely greetings. not bad for a single girl.

oh and tcb sent me an emoticon of a stick figure waggling a flaccid penis. that's all. haven't heard from him in weeks and he sends me a soft dick. wtf does *that* mean?

so how the heck do i top the valentine's day card to tony pierce? i might have to give up altogether and go out on top, like the sopranos, rather than jump the shark. from here on in i'll just be showing 'best of' clips and rehashing old plotlines.

unless, of course, i actually start talking about my past. and living an interesting present. then i might have a few more tricks up my sleeve.

i've been sleeping really poorly lately. the meds make me clench my jaw. when i'm awake i can sort of control it - pay attention and stop when i feel myself doing it. when i'm asleep, though, i don't even notice until the pain in my jaw wakes me up. when i can't sleep i listen to the cbc - late at night they play radio programs from all around the world. it's kind of cool to listen to people from germany, denmark, england, whereever, talking about what's making news. it's usually social stuff - not hard news, more op-ed. anyway, interesting only goes so far when you have to actually think at work, so i have an appointment to get a mouthguard next week. manoman i'm sleepy today, that's for sure.

when carlot boy came over last night i was wearing that skirt - getting ready for the big photo shoot (pre-lipstick). he liked it alot. what he liked better was bending me over to discover that i wasn't wearing any panties underneath. he showed his appreciation appropriately. i should probably add that to my valentine's list, huh? though it was a day in advance - does that still count? i think so.

ask and ye shall...

i learned two things this evening.
1) it is surprisingly difficult to write legibly in lipstick upon one's own belly.
2) it is nearly impossible to take a full length picture of yourself by your.. self. nk when are you going to get here?

they aren't my finest work but i hope that you will find them to your liking, mr pierce. xoxo

burn to ash and bone

i am all relaxed and yoga-rific. carlot boy was supposed to take me out for dinner tonight but he's not returned any text messages, nor did he pick up the phone when i called to ask if we had a plan.

this is quite normal for him, ergo i was half expecting it and shall probably just make valentine's cuppity cakes instead.

i'm ok with this plan. oh wait he's on the phone:
"oh crap is dinner tonight? i thought it was tomorrow."
"you were going to take me out for valentine's day?"
"oh crap is tomorrow valentine's day? i'm taking my mom out for dinner."

his mom? is that what we're calling it these days?
actually he's pretty tight with his family - that could very well be the case.

ah well. my valentine's day adventures will probably consist of drinking wine by myself and writing in my blog. that, or going to see a movie with a pack of engineers. not sure which is more appealing at this point...

all i can breathe is your life

you should go here. it's like i made you a mixed tape but really someone else did, 'cause i wouldn't have put those bad songs on. just the good ones.

i didn't end up staying home - mike b called while i was out buying cake makins and by the time i got home he was at my house to pick me up. we went out to some friends' place to drink wine and play pool and eat some really good food (which i mostly couldn't eat but whatevs). so the cake will be baked in the a.m. really it's much better to go out on a saturday than stay home baking. i'm not that old, yet.

i'm kind of drunk.

it is a good thing.

i realize that i self-medicate. there's no need to worry. there are people (mike b, the sister, ms. u) who keep a very close eye on me. i know that i can do what i will because one of the three of them will reel me in when i get a little too close to the edge. i know that i can trust in this 'cause i do it for them, too.

i am a little drunk, though, and really really want to have sex. but carlot boy is away, and there's not really any other likely prospects. and, when it's all said and done, i'm not really one for random encounters with strangers. they have their place, and they can be fun, but i prefer the opportunity for prolonged exploration of a person to a whambam most days.

walkin on sunshine

can i get an amen for two days of sunshine and glory here in raincouver? like twelve degrees amen. like i had the sunroof open amen. like i went out and celebrated with a new pair of sunglasses amen.

amen and hallelujah cause sweet mother of god i'm pretty sure i was growing webbed feet.

tonight will be another evening in with a bottle of wine, 'cause i'm attempting to make german chocolate cake for the sister's birthday dinner tomorrow. i think that i should try and avoid drinking TOO much wine until the cake has been made. fortunately, cake assembly will take place tomorrow 'cause the last time i baked a birthday cake i attempted this dense chocolate cake covered in ganache which (by all reports) was delicious but oh man it was seriously the ugliest cake i've ever seen in my life. i was embarassed to serve it.

seriously.

so there will be no alcohol consumed before cake assembly this time, as a precaution. i might go upstairs and make some cookies right now though, so we have warm chocolate chippers for dinner. mmmm.

you want tah-tahs?

tonight i feel like staying at home in bed talking to you, drinking wine, and watching hockey. is that ok? oh man i've screwed up the image upload 2x and i've only had two glasses of wine. this bodes poorly for the quality of this post. i apologize in advance. that's morning me, by the way, in case you wanted to know in advance what i look like when i first get up. there is no colour until i've had coffee. usually i'm wearing jammies, but i was having crazy dreams last night and when i woke up my shirt was on the other side of the room.

they weren't dirty dreams, either - they were more conflict dreams. for some reason i was the only person who knew how to get a hold of tnb's best friend, and tnb had to come to see me to get his phone number but i wouldn't give it to him 'cause i was pissed still at him for disappearing off the face of the earth. so he was mad at me and i was mad at him and all i could say to him was "i don't want to be the girl you call every ten years when you are leaving a fucked up relationship. i'm not here to fuck your issues away." my dream-self sure did do a good job of sticking up for me.

now if only she'd wake up someday and do it for real.

and yes i do almost always sleep with the world's oldest laptop (pictured above(usually not open, though, unless i fall asleep chatting with someone. (which has happened.))). that, a remote control, my crackberry, and my cellphone. no men, sadly, though the carboy did come crawl into bed with me to watch tv the other night while he waited to go pick his brother up at hockey. the other side of my bed is generally considered auxiliary closet space.

the carboy is an interesting person to spend time with. he's five years younger than me and earns five times more. he's super nice, is a good kisser, has the softest skin ever, but is never around. it's 'cause he works like he's forty, he says, but it's what he has to do if he wants to retire at 35. he's also gone to florida for a weekend but is supposed to come back and take me out for dinner on monday. would you believe that we've gone for drinks a billion times. we've driven aimlessly through rainstruck nights talking and listening to the radio. he's seen me naked twice. we've never gone out for dinner or done anything remotely 'normal'. funny, huh?

i'm trying to think of 'when i was young' stories for nk, but i'm having trouble with it for some reason. it's not that i don't *have* stories, it's that it is somehow difficult to siphon it into a coherent narrative. maybe once i have some more wine.

time goes by so slowly

i feel like i should be publishing something controversial, or flagrantly dirty, or ... something, but i got nuttin.

i've been crazy busy at work the last couple of days - that might be why. i feel really drained by the time i get home. it's kind of a good tired, though. not the lethargic exhausted that i have been for the past while.

help. give me some ideers. whatcha want to know about hear about talk about.
i feel like some interaction.

(wordcloud via roonie)

sing lazarus

last night i was listening to leonard cohen talk on the cbc while i baked cookies.

i forget, you know, i forget the power of words - how they can take me outside myself and lull me into a rapid transit thought process that hurries and flows in and out of ideas with quicksilver rapidity.

it used to be my life's goal to work with words... to play with theories and metaphors... to take an idea and give it life on the page or with my voice... to weave together syllables... to provoke with consonants and vowels.

i seem to have lost sight of that.

my job is challenging and i enjoy it. my work involves eddying people and information to and fro and attempting to garner coherence from both.

just a side step away from where i thought i'd be, really.

but it is a big side step.

posted beside my computer is a quote from one of my favourite theorists, stephen greenblatt:

For history is not simply discovered in the precincts surrounding the literary text, or the performance or the image; it is found in the artworks themselves, as enabling condition, shaping force, forger of meaning, censor, community of patronage and reception. And the work of art is not the passive surface on which this historical experience leaves its stamp, but one of the creative agents in the fashioning and re-fashioning of the experience".

i have been a passive surface. i want to once again fashion and refashion my experience - be a wave of turbulence rolling through my world.

my brother's thesis supervisor is my former thesis supervisor. my brother told me that this professor talks about me in class - as the one who got away, the one who was published before finishing her B.A., the one who... the one who. somedays i wake up and second guess my decision to leave school, though really it wasn't a decision it was an imperative. somedays i wake up and love where i am and what i'm doing so much that i don't doubt it for a second.

these words, though, are my soul. these words, though, live inside of me and burn with a fire that i cannot contain. these words, though, seek freedom and solace on the page, in the air, on the screen. these words, though, need to be set free.

last night leonard cohen said that the greatest thing we can do is forgive ourselves our imperfections because, after all, what are we but imperfections. i can forgive myself, if you can forgive me for sharing them with you.

caffiene free faux punk fatigues

it's wierd - monday is simultaneously my least favourite and most favourite day of the week: least favourite 'cause, well, it's monday, and most favourite 'cause i have my yoga class and i come home all relaxed and calm with a smile in my heart and eat something by myself and look at the paper and then maybe have a bath and a glass of wine and crawl into bed.

which is where i am now.

at 8.47 pm.

but seriously, i'm so relaxed right now i feel the need to prop my eyes open with toothpicks. and that's a good thing.

today i added wellbutrin to my celexa in order to counteract the worst possible side effects (except weight gain (borderline eating disorder)) that any drug could have for me. the research i've read is promising, but the fact that wellbutrin itself is a fairly well thought-of antidepressant leads me to ponder this: why wellbutrin *and* celexa? why not just wellbutrin? of course this did not occur to me the other day when i was at the doctor's office. i shall ask the next time i go in, however. oh yes i will.

i did spend a chunk of the day feeling like i used to when i'd take half an e before heading out to run errands - sort of vibraty and with a manic kind of swing to my step, wondering if everyone could tell that i was just a little bit high. settle down, this was years ago. and yes, i did have a bit of a problem. that's why i went cold turkey for years.

as an aside, one of the studies i read while poking about the internet spoke of one woman who experienced a spontaneous orgasm which lasted, off and on, for about two hours after beginning to take wellbutrin. now *that's* a side effect i could really sink my teeth into.

anyway, i'm tired of fighting the sandman. i'm going to just let him in, now.

g'nite xoxo

*yawn*

the spectre of janet jackson's tit still looms over the superbowl. for the second year in a row we are subjected to outdated vanilla boomerpop for the halftime 'show'. i wonder who's on the bill for next year? burt bacharach?

not like the grey cup fares much better, mind you, but come on now. what's your demographic? is the audience really made up of my parents' generation, exclusively? if you are looking for an inoffensive cookie cutter rock band throw nickleback up there. get beyonce to shake what her mama made her. you KNOW jay-z ain't gonna let her get outta line.

it is interesting, though, to recall the fact that mick & co would NEVER have made it on that stage back when they were young and on top of their game. now that they're eligible for senior's discounts i guess the powers that be are fairly confident that jagger won't be wearing a see through white lace suit, as he may have in the late sixties.


thank god for small miracles.

too much blushy-blushy, not enough sucky-fucky

i went to see the matador last night with the sister. while this was not, by any means, the debaucherous fun of last weekend, it was fun nonetheless. in fact, i laughed my way through the film. pierce brosnan as a lecherous burned out assassin, for some reason, tickles my funny bone.

i also wrote a heart-felt post about love and loss and the way that people come into your life and then disappear, leaving behind them a small hole in your psyche which can probably never be filled by anyone else. but it was, somehow, lost in the grand blogger upgrade of yesterday. dammit.

our internet has been down all day. it's funny how disconnected i feel when i'm - well - disconnected. actually i feel sort of outside myself completely today. i feel kind of like i'm watching my body go through the motions of the day, without fully participating in them.

it's not the best feeling in the world, that's for sure. what're we going to do with me?

holy crap

i can't look at my own blog. it's forbidden.

what the fuck does THAT mean?

friday i'm in love

The sister, with a stern glance, has advised me to keep my tah-tahs in check. What inspired her to do this, you ask? Well ‘cause I theorized that if I got’em out more often, I may have better lovelifeluck. Say that six times fast. She figures if I cage them, on the other hand, I might actually meet men how aren’t interested exclusively in said tah-tahs.

However, they do have a mind of their own, and do not take well to being left out of romantic negotiations. Or any other negotiations, for that matter.

I’m very glad it’s Friday. It’s been a crazy week of catching up on work missed, taking the bus, and feeling bummed ‘cause tcb dropped off the face of the planet. Not to mention the fact that I get exHAUSTed at the slightest exertion (flu holdover) so walking the .5km from the bus stop to tenbucks (where I meet my ride) near to knocks me on my skinny little ass. So this evening, I believe, will be a quiet one at the pub watching hockey and maybe having a beer or two. I had thought of going to see Kaskade tomorrow but think I might skippit. My soul is weary, a little. Some days it ain’t easy being green, you know?

On the other hand, I could go over to Victoria for the night. Spending time with W49 is always a good thing. He’s fun and sweet and peaceful. Too bad he’s a) young and b) living in another city. I don’t, however, have to make that decision right now.

That’s right, Sundae. Procrastinate.

sweet mother of god

someone just found my site by googling "clit exploding".

(weeps silent tears of sympathetic pain)

i kill myself 'cause i'm so frustrated

so clearly the battery was *not* the issue with my car. must be the alternator. stink. this means that i am unsure of how i'm going to get myself and my vehicle home.

ahhh i'm not sure what i want to talk about today, but i know it's not my car. it's wednesday and they're the longest days of the week. haven't heard from tcb in a couple of days. my boss is back today so it will be really busy and i'm still tired and achy and wish i could sleep for a year.

i did, however, get to see the hot guy on supernatural makin' out last night which was a-ok in my book. rawr. plus, when i got home, i poked my head in the kiddo's room, said 'i got you a six-pack', then laughed at the change in his expression when i threw six pairs of new sox at him. seriously - it's the little things like that which make parenthood all worthwhile.