it's colder than a mo-fo out there right now, and i swear to god every channel is playing olympic curling. who wants to watch olympic curling? not me that's for damn sure. oooo what's this? a repeat of the supernatural episode that i only half-watched on tuesday, 'cause i couldn't extricate myself from a conversation with dj-m? lovely. i'm in. kids i got floor tickets for franz ferdinand and death cab. i'm pretty pleased with that situation. i also have a new favourite wine - debortoli 2003 petite sirah. it tastes like chocolate. i am *all about* sitting and drinking the whole bottle tonight. well, not the whole bottle, 'cause i shared with the mama and she likes it as much as i do. omg i think i'm going to EAT chocolate and drink the wine. how cool will THAT be?
i'm trying to write this post about my crazy ex-boyfriend and how he was a big part of the reason i didn't finish my degree. it's warbling around in my head right now, so i might just keep babbling till it comes out, ok?
work's been really crazy this week. like i've been running and running and it seems like i just can't catch up. i do have a great boss, though. she totally knows that she can just pretty much leave me to my own devices and i'll get put my head down and get shit done. today she emerged from her meetings for like five minutes and everybody EVERYBODY was clamouring for her attention and i asked one question and then went to turn back to my computer and she mouths at me "go home early" and gives me a big smile.
so i left half an hour early, which doesn't mean much 'cause i always answer emails all evening and will probably work for a while tomorrow morning and sunday morning 'cause i'm a kickass employee. but it was sunny beautiful and i picked up the kiddo and we went to tenbucks for tea and had a lovely chat and his phone rang five times and every time he said "yo i'm at starbucks with my mom i'll call you later". le sigh. it's almost that day again the day of no sleep all night staying up worrying the worst day of the year for me. we were driving home last night from dinner talking about music and he said how he loves apc's second album start to finish it's like a work of poetry. i said i have trouble listening to it, now, 'cause i was listening to it lots during that time so it puts me in a bad place. he was quiet for a minute and told me he knew what i meant.
this depression / anxiety thing is hereditary, you know. my dad's been sick for so long - so sick and there is no cure. i denied it and denied it pretended like i didn't need help and that what i was feeling was normal that keeping it
inside and not talking was a-ok. but you know, it's not ok and sometimes it bubbles up bubbles up and out and you can't cope and that's what happened to the kiddo, that day.i just hurt myself in other ways more subtle ways. i become attached to unavailable men to protect myself from getting swallowed alive the way i was with crazyjeremy. they abandon me and i am justified in my self-loathing and in my head i hear his voice echoing echoing saying 'every day i meet women who are more successful than you and better looking than you and they're all looking for the fairy tale. when are you going to wake up and realize that is not who you are - you are just a fuck. admit it."
it's more subtle, you know. you can't see the cuts on my arms can't see the blood on the floor on the sheets but they run deep. when they break open and bleed you know it 'cause i throw myself onto the dancefloor and into the bed with who ever will wrap me up and hide the pain in a few moments of pleasure.
crazyjeremy preyed on this - on my need to feel loved feel welcomed feel like *part* of something. he made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world and controlled me by threatening to take away his love and attention. when he smiled on me it was like the heavens opened up and the sun shone down upon my world. when he turned his attention away it was like the light would never shine again. and this was all tied up in drugs and the fact that i knew he was cheating and i was lost and alone 'cause he hated for me to spend time with anyone but him so i didn't have very many friends anymore.
he'd encourage me to do my schoolwork but then call me every fifteen minutes when i was at the school to check up on me. if i didn't answer 'cause i was in the library or teaching or in a meeting he'd freak out and accuse me of fucking someone else. pretty soon it was just easier to stay with him all the time and work in his cafe and in his salon and not go to school. eventually i was just so far behind and i had no self confidence at all anymore and i just... didn't... believe in myself anymore.
so i stopped.
and here i am - sometimes i wish i hadn't and sometimes i'm glad i did. i do know that he gave scars that will never fade, but they kind of make me who i am.
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