anonymous

"don't do it!!!" anonymous says, o-so-emphatically. who are you, anonymous? and why do you get to give advice without sharing who you are? why would i trust you if you even give that much? come on now, step up!

i was speaking with monte last nite - well speaking via msn, where i am always much braver - and we talked a bit about the 'thing' (for lack of a better word) that lives between us. he's trying to give it a go with his girlfriend and i really respect that- he's not been so good with the faithfulness in the past, so i think it's awesome to see him happy with someone and trying to make it 'work'. i did ask for a moment of selfishness, which he granted. i told him that someday i'd like the opportunity to explore what there is between us - to give it the attention that it deserves, cause we are really good friends, and have an amazing time together, and lots in common and are completely attracted to each other. he replied that he's thought of this before, and having me say it gives him more to think about. this is fun, of course, but a little scary, too. the elder n gives me butterflies, and i'm totally drawn to him. i have a major crush on mr. married, but that's a crush and if i was distracted it would go away in about a nanosecond. monte... he's different. and bad for me. and so very far away. why am i thinking about this? hmm probably cause i worked way to much today, and i'm starting to wonder what the heck is going on with my life, as i do every month or so.

shit. i'm over thirty. you'd think that i'd have this figured out by now.