vendredi, avril 30

a brief update

so here is what is going on with mr. married. i successfully managed to stay away from him today. well, not including the couple of times he came up to visit me - one was when he first arrived at work, and one was a legitimate work concern. things have been.... there. i actually wish i could will them away, but i'm really bad with that sort of thing - if i see a limit i have to push it. if there's a rule in place, i have to, if not break, at least bend it a little. if there's something that someone tells me i absolutely shouldn't do, i have to have just a little taste. at least once.

things are at the point where we chat fairly regularly (if it weren't for this darn crush i'd be super stoked at the new friend i've made). actually, as an attachment to that thought, if it weren't for the crush would i have had the opportunity to develop a friendship with this person? i'm not sure.. and yesterday, he came upstairs and was showing me something on the computer and actually put his hand over mine to move the mouse. which would be ok if i didn't know how to use the mouse. or if he was really showing me something on the computer, not just showing me for show, you know?

though anonymous was vaguely out of line for offering advice, s/he is correct. 'doing it', in any sense of the phrase, is such a bad idea. i get myself convinced that i have nothing to lose. but i do - sleeping with or becoming involved with a man who is married, and happily married i might add, is so far away from how i define myself. i'd lose so much self respect. and since i'm just (finally) getting that back after 3.5 yrs with psychojeremy, that's not a position i want to be in. i'm just not sure how i a)get myself into such situations and b)get myself out of them without losing a friend and making life awkward round the watercooler.