pondering

so i'm thinking of becoming celibate. yes i realize you must be having sex to give it up, technically, but right now it's a non-voluntary state. i'm thinking of making it voluntary.

i'm not sure why - i'm... seeking something. i have a general sense that something is missing in my life - some deeper sense of meaning or something. on the surface, things are going well (sound of vigorous wood-knocking abounds). i really like my new job; the kiddo is, well, as a 15 year old kid is; home is ok; money sucks but that's life; but i'm just.. uneasy in my skin. does this make sense?

i'm not sure what giving up sex will do - i think i'm just looking for a deeper connection to myself. and i'm aware that i have a shitty tendency to get involved with men that are really bad for me. so maybe if i stop altogether i'll figure something out in the meantime, you know?

of course, this will most likely come to a crashing halt in victoria next weekend. bad influences, those island folk.