sunny sleepy sundae

ok so i've made it home to my messy room, and am contemplating how i am going to start my year. when i started this blog a year ago, i resolved to try and write in it every day, and i've done ok with that - nope i don't write EVERY day, but i do write often enough that it gets the point across. writing is pretty therapeutic for me (well for most people i guess) and i do have a way easier time of expressing myself in writing than i do in words.

halfway through our new years festivities i checked my email to find a note from mr. m. he was basically saying he was sorry for making my 2004 so crappy, or at least for playing a big part in that. it sort of threw me for a loop - what do i do with shit like that? how do you deal with the things that just sort of come out of left field? (well, i drank myself into oblivion, but that's beside the point. someone remind me why i thought drinking a bottle of vodka after living on painkillers and muscle relaxants for two days was a good idea?) this has been a really hard year. i think i need to make some changes in the way i interact with my world in order to ensure that 2005 is better, but how? how do you force yourself to actively participate in your world - to engage with your surroundings and the people you meet?

maybe i've already started. i'm taking myself out of my shell - i'm getting out and meeting people and interacting. and, yes, sometimes it means flirting with boys in bars based soley on the fact that they are cute. but the deeper element to that is that i'm really shy, and i find it really hard to meet people. of course i realize that kissing boys in a bar is not the way to find happiness. but it does, however, take me out of my comfort zone, which is sitting on the sidelines nursing a drink and watching the world go by without participating in it.

things kind of come to me - i have my job 'cause i did a temporary contract with this company. within a year i was a project manager. the most recent relationship i had was with someone i worked with - i didn't have to do anything for it, it just kind of started. i need to find a way to force myself to go after things.

so maybe that's my new year's resolution, and i guess the challenge i made earlier is just a small part of it. i resolve to engage with the world in 2005 - to go out and meet people; to talk to strangers (sometimes just 'cause they're cute); to pursue the things i'd like to have. maybe that's the one change that i need to make to ensure that this year is better than the last.