bored

so i was bored and updated the look of my blog. i think i'm going to set up a geocities account so that i can store images, then use them. hmm a thought anyway.

calvin and i went to see the butterfly effect this afternoon. strangely, it did not suck as badly as i thought it would. indeed, i can say that i actually liked it. it did, of course, cop out at the end but it is hollywood, after all. what can i expect.

the film did bring me back to my pet project of a few years ago, though: going around and asking random strangers if they could go back and re-make one decision that they made, somewhere in their past, what would it be, and how do they think their lives would be different?

it's an interesting question, because everybody has one thing that they would change if they could. i'm a big believer in not having regrets; i fully know that the decisions that i have made have created the person that i am today. it's just that sometimes i'm not sure that i *like* the person that i am today. if i remade a few of those decisions, how would i be different? how would i be the same?

case in point: after a particularly bad blow-out with psychojeremy, i had more or less made the decision to move to vancouver. i was done teaching for the semester; had no more coursework; had no real commitments to bind me to where i was. what would be different if i hadn't gone into the cafe to pick up my things and let him convince me that we could work it out? i can remember the look on his face as i turned and walked out; i remember the song playing on the stereo (chicane and bryan adams, don't give up); i remember the feeling of abject sorrow in the pit of my belly; i remember the blast of cold air hitting me as i stepped out onto the winter street and pulling my car over a block down the road to cry; i remember the cell phone calls and him pleading with me to rethink my decision: "lisa don't leave me. i hate the thought of my world without you in it. you aren't supposed to go."

even thinking about it now makes me feel sick. but imagine if i'd just kept going? left my stuff at the cafe, given my notice on my apartment (the rent was paid for another month), rented a moving van and left? all of the shit that went on for another 2 years would never have happened. or would it have? were our lives intricately intertwined for a period of time and, no matter what decision i made, would have stayed that way?

and what good things would have been lost? calvin would never have had the success at track that he had in the next two seasons; he never would have developed the closeness with his dad; i would never have become so close to JP and Andrea.

it's a strange thing to think about.