thursday next

so i can honestly say that this has been one of the worst weeks of my life. but at the same time, it's been really amazing the way that the people in my life have reached out to me. so, for what it's worth, thank you all.
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so i'm supposed to go out with the yuppie again tomorrow night. i'm not sure how this has come about - i had an ok time while out with him, but at the same time it wasn't great. and all i really want to do at the end of this week is go out and get drunk. but not even drunk - beyond drunk. i want to get smashed; wasted. i want to make out with a stranger at the bar then leave him waiting by the dancefloor while i go to "the bathroom" and just never go back; i want to toilet paper trees and run down the street laughing my ass off; i want to wear a short skirt tight shirt feel like a woman - in short, i want to have a manic episode to go with my depressive week. is that a healthy desire?
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i was indulging my geek culture last night by watching a show on shakespeare, and was delighted to discover that, right afterwards, they were showing the first part in a series about the medici. it was fascinating, if slightly lo-ball. this part was discussing their rise to power and the way that they brokered power by investing in people who were on they way up in Florence society, rather than sticking to the usual ways of thinking. mind you, i missed the last 20 minutes - could not for the life of me stay awake no matter how hard i tried. result of a bad week, but i was quite disappointed. it's really quite amazing how, once your body decides it's going down, it's done.
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in another interesting turn of events, dylan called me last nite. he apologized for not keeping in touch with me, and for basically being a guy. he said that his personal life has been confusing and he felt bad. i pointed out that i hadn't called him either... but he still felt like he owed me something. i told him that i hadn't expected anything of him. i'd hate for him to feel like we can't be friends just because we've made out a few times. i'm pretty laid back, and i am a good friend. that's the important thing, as far as i'm concerned. i told him that if we ended up being more than friends, that might be fun, but i'm not too worried about it. he figured that he puts too much pressure on himself when it comes to women - wants to be everything for them all the time, then feels bad when he can't, so just avoids the situation entirely. which makes sense, to a certain extent. but at the same time is so frustratingly *male*.