sundae afternoon

so i'm having an enjoyable afternoon of hockey, fleece pants and a pink hoody. i've tidied my room, made a big brunch for calvin and sarah (i even cooked bacon!) and did some laundry for both me and our houseguest.

now i'm drinking tea, eating banana bread (bad sundae!) and doing some thinking - but then i just can't shut my brain off... it's the worst when i'm feeling kind of content. i start to wonder when the other shoe is going to drop.

sarah and daisy both asked me yesterday why mike b. and i don't date. i think i passed them off sort of flippantly, but it started me thinking. i'm fairly convinced it's a bad idea, but why?

i think it comes down to the fact that we are really really alike - which can be a good thing, but a bad thing, too, in that we are really alike in our relationship issues... and i think that, after the rori debacle, i am afraid of losing yet another friend because i'm an emotional cripple. it's kind of messed up, and i've said it before, but the reason i end up with 24yr old boys is because a) they don't challenge me on my bullshit and b) because i know they are only looking for a night or two with no complications. and i know that it's kind of self destructive, because it totally ends up confirming all the stuff i think i know about myself and relationships and people. but i do it anyway.

case in point - psychojeremy just called (seriously, just this second. i swear to got he's hardwired into my psyche - he knows when i'm weak and he strikes like a viper) to ask if i wanted to go for a drink and i said yeah. i know it's gonna make me feel like shit, and i know what he wants, and i know how it's gonna end up. but i said yes anyway...

i was watching sex and the city with mike b. last nite, and at the end of it, samantha comes out of the elevator and smith is waiting and she starts to cry and says that she hates herself for doing this to him... well i hate myself for doing this to me but i don't know how to stop.