despondant

i'm not ready to go back to work yet. i feel as though there is an important breakthrough i forgot to break through whilst i was on vay-kay - i have unfinished business with myself but i can't put my finger quite on what it is.

i feel like i've been away for such a veryvery long time, when in reality it's only been five days away from my desk and my laptop and my colleagues and my poor plant which would be dead by now if it weren't for the divine ms. u (she looks after it as if it were her own - offering quiet words full of carbon dioxide and soothing sips of water).

i do know that i've realized that i don't want to live here very much longer. i'm not so much a big city girl - i like the neighbourhoods within cities, or smaller cities, or towns even, but i'm tired of living in a place where it seems like you just.. can't.. get... ahead no matter how much you make (unless you live in a distant suburb). i'm tired of commuting and i'm tired of having to drive *every*where. i want to live somewhere with clean water for swimming and small markets where people know me and a good bookstore and an italian deli.

or maybe i'm just casting about for connections again.

my muscles are stiff and sore - i awoke this a.m feeling like i hadn't slept, and as though i had been kicked around all night. it took me ten minutes and a cup of tea to formulate a sentence. tea, though. i have also emerged from this side of my holiday with a distaste for coffee. i wonder how long that will last?

i wish tnb were here. i know that he doesn't feel anything for me besides a vague fondness, but he's a toucher and i need human contact in the worst way, even if it is from someone who's interaction with me appears to be superficial at best. am i selling myself short? of course i am. but there's no other way, at this moment in my time, so sellsellsell.

this post is uninspired, like me. i'm out of practice - it'll take me a few days to get back into the swing of things.... just please bear with me.