rain on the plain in...

the place where i'm moving with nk. it's either there, kamloops, or somewhere on lake ok. kamloops and lake ok are winning, currently, cause i miss snowy christmasses with the kind of longing that only girls who have jumped off roofs into powder drifts of whiteness can know.

sad to say it but i'm kind of game-playing with tnb. that is, he's been away for the weekend and i told him i'd speak with him when he got back. usually when i'm out drinking i send out at least one tipsy giggly hihi phone call, but not last night. usually i call to make sure he's arrived at destinations ok, but not this time. so at 8pm this evening i got a "what are you DOING?" phone call, wondering where i was what the fuck is going on with me. i know him better than he likes to think.

i've been having bad conflict dreams for the last couple of nights week and so don't feel very rested... my muscles are tense like i've been boxing or holding myself upright in heavy surf. in my dreams i am arguing with people i am close to. these dreams (i believe) are precipitated by my unease at the state of things with tnb, as well as the unhappy emails i've received in the last month or so regarding my bitchy (but not mean-intentioned) post about couches and line backers and cookies and such.

i have been told by someone whom i considered a good friend that i'm open minded about somethings but very closed about others, and for this reason i'm no longer an acceptable friend for her. i'm not sure how this makes me different from anyone else (including this person) but clearly she feels the need to show herself as walking a higher path than i, so i'll just abstain from response and let her stride on alone. it's sad to lose friends, but better to let them be who they are than try and remake them in your own image.

i'm also not ready to go back to work. i wish i could wave a magic wand and have it be one week and two days ago, when i was flying down a starlight highway sipping road pops from the comfort of the passenger seat, listening to dark beats and waxing philosophic on age and life and home-made coolers. i wish i wish i wish.