dimanche, août 7

easy like sundae... morning

so i decided to be a hermit last night and got high on red wine and muscle relaxants.. settled back in my pillows and waited for the dreams to overtake me. i'm not one of those people who dreams potently - i rarely remember them and when i do they're usually sexual or just fun.

i'm reading charles de lint right now (indulging in my other guilty escapism love) and wallowing in his mystical world where the modern day is irrevocably intertwined with the fey. i wish i could tap into that sense of consiousness. i used to be much more spiritual - granted it's not something that is recognizable in a conventional religious way, but it's my own and it came about when i needed it most and helped me get through some of the rough shit i've encountered in the last few years. my ephemeral properties are a mishmash of pagan and catholic, of buddhist and atheist. the contrasts in them are in line with the contrasts that make me who i am.

but i seem to have lost my grip on it recently. i guess that the reason organized religion is such an easy life preserver to cling to is that you have a designated place to go to when you need to center yourself - it's not something you have to think about and invoke on your own. my everyday life is caught up in figures and trends and putting one keystroke in front of the other and i'm finding it harder and harder to close my eyes, slip away from the burdens of my flesh and just.... be.

sex still works, most of the time, but i'm not having that right now.

drugs still work, most of the time, but i'm not doing that too much right now (last night excepted).

i need to slip away and regain my *self* - i need to find the golden speck of light again, and blow on it and nurture it and help it grow. i need to be by myself in the middle of nowhere and let myself stop thinking. the problem is that i'm afraid to be alone, for some reason, and the middle of nowhere is so far away when you live in this city. there are people everywhere. plus, truly, it doesn't matter where you are, or how many people are near. tuning into your center is something that can and should happen regardless of where your body is - the top of a mountain or the center of a mosh pit. and that's something that i know and have experience as well. i'm just making excuses because i'm afraid that i've ignored it for so long that it doesn't exist anymore.

these are the things that i know to be true and that i need to refocus on to find my way again. they are the lessons of the wise people who've walked this path before me:

- there is no way to happiness. happiness is the way

- nothing is lost in the universe. nothing every disappears, it just changes form.
which leads to...

- everything changes. you can't hold on to someone or something and expect them to always be what it or they appear to be now.

- we receive exactly what we earn. our thoughts and actions determine the kind of life we can expect to live.

- whatever you send out into the world will be visited back upon you threefold.

simple, huh? one would think. but the truth is that getting caught up in the quotidien concerns of everyday life is far too easy. it's such an easy excuse to use for everything. for me anyway.

ah well - i'm still a little fucked up from the drugs. i think i'm going to go shower and sit in the sun and watch the world go by. that always makes me feel better.