reboot

i'm caught in a feedback loop of my own design - someone please kick me in the ass and make me wake up. see, i've always kind of just fallen into shit - my jobs, my pseudo-relationship with tnb, my education.. all that crap. i need a divine intervention that will get me off my ass and make me do something. a psychological lightning bolt of revalation that will illuminate the sham that is my day-to-day existence.

i daydream when i'm driving about what i'd do if i won the lottery - sometimes the big bucks, but most of the time just 100k, or 300k or 500k. you know what's funny? aside from giving money to family buying a new car paying for a home mortgage free, my life wouldn't change that much. the thorns i'm trapped by have blackberries on them - they hold me in but in truth they're kind of sweet so i don't really mind too much.

and in truth i'm kind of happy - so why do i feel the need to make a radical change? is it just that i'm not happy enough? or that i recognize, on some deeper level, that this happiness is fleeting it's like a cotton candy happiness and disappears as soon as you have a taste?

today, go see ciavarro 'cause he's talking about something real.