i've decided that ridley is my evil twin brother. you know, just because. my younger evil twin brother, but my evil twin brother none-the-less.ok it's time for some self reflection, because for some reason i have neglected to take my meds since thursday, and i tend to get like this on such occasions. i can feel the anxiety creeping up - that "i blew up a balloon too vigorously" feeling in my jaw, the scratchy itchy tears hiding just behind my glasses, the inability to sit still. my hands are jitterbugging across the keyboard chasing my fingers through the forest for the keys like i've had seven cups of coffee and no food in a week.
i went out on an emotional limb on saturday. i let myself get caught in a moment with the cruiseship boy and i let down my guard. i forgot that time hadn't stopped - that after i left the ship he'd still be on it and i'd be back in my real life and that i wasn't indestructible. safe within four walls and deep within the confines of a down duvet i was a superhero, for a while, and nothing could hurt me. but here i am back on dry land hacking away at the jungle vines of insecurities and self doubt.
this is when i get self destructive. this is when i throw myself into mindless sexual encounters hoping that i can lose myself in the touch and the heat, lose myself in the fucking and kissing and biting and screaming and drown out the voices in my head.
and it works, you know, works for that lifetime encapsulated within a moment and the taste of sweat on my lips.
then before i've climbed off your body, your eyes still closed and your bottom lip caught beneath your teeth, my brain's already racing running chasing west through the narrows. won't somebody please hit pause? won't somebody please catch my hand pull me in tight wrap their arms around me remind me that it's ok to stop, ok to breathe just breathe.
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