like the deserts miss the rain

i have allergy induced asthma. fun stuff, batman. at least i know i don't have pneumonia, or bronchitis, or consumption.

ok maybe still consumption. i wanna be your huckleberry.

i bought myself a moleskin notebook today. i have a convoluted relationship with paper journalling. i used to do it faithfully at least once a day - sometimes three or four. i was particularly fond of plain, spiral bound notebooks with dividers. everytime i hit a divider i'd note something significant about myself - who i was dating at that moment, what my favourite song was, mundane stuff like that. kind of a cliffs notes to the previous chapter, if you will.

oh shit i fully got distracted by the intro to charlie's angels and lucy liu's luscious luscious freckles...

where was i? ah yes, print journalling. so i used notebooks and i wrote everything down - bad thoughts, good thoughts, boring thoughts, grocery lists... everything. then i came home from school one day, after a night class, and found the guy i'd been living with for almost a year reading my journal. he went cover to cover while i was at school and i haven't been able to get over a distrust of putting my inner monologue down on paper ever since. interesting, huh, since i've spent two years putting it out into the universe where anyone can follow along.

when you buy a moleskin you also get either a postcard or stamps, each with a quotation about writing. you can send in your quotations and they'll use them in their next print run. on the set of stamps that i got with my book, there's a quote from de maupassant.... "words dazzle and deceive because they are mimed by the face. but black words on a white page are the soul laid bare."

i haven't been around much in the last week. i've been sick, and sick and tired. not of anything in particular - just in general. i'm not comfortable in my skin. i don't know if it's because of all of the drugs, or if it's just spring and i'm getting caught up in my head. sometimes i have trouble laying out my deepest feelings here - this is still a facet of me, not the whole thing, and there are things that go on that i'm not comfortable sharing with other people. i am still a very private person and some stuff i just can't share. so i'm going to try and do both. we'll see how it goes, huh?